Sometimes people-pleasing is giving an explanation.
Relationships and boundaries are hard, especially as we grow and evolve and unmask and try to assert our needs and honor our triggers.
Today’s topic on my mind:
Let’s talk about the difference between people-pleasing and protecting your peace because look, not everyone can handle a mature conversation… and people don’t automatically “deserve” an explanation.
I’m going to evasively talk about a situation I’ve had going on for awhile because it’s been weighing me down and this is how I cope - my words.
Adult bullying is real.
Cliques and the desire to belong are real.
And as much as Autistics may say we don’t like hierarchy and social structures, I see a lot of the same desire to belong, which spirals into group-think, etc….
And those things make can people very unreceptive. Especially to others who need the “why” - we all crave understanding on the deepest level, but the reality is, we won’t always understand someone else’s reality or needs.
If I have an issue with someone and I know that being honest is just going to lead to increased bullying/retaliation, I’m not going to say anything… I’d rather you think what you want than hand you more ammunition.
In a situation where the only acceptable thing for me to do is grovel for who-knows-what and continue to play whatever role I’ve been assigned, any amount of explanation I give will fall on ears committed to not hearing or misinterpreting me.
You’re going to target me anyway and so anything I say will make things worse - why would I say anything?
The desire to explain myself would exist in this case only to please them - make them understand why I feel the way I do. And, no thanks.
This isn’t because I’m afraid to say how I feel or think it’s “wrong”; it’s about not wasting that energy on people who only want me around if I “fall in line” with their little group dynamics or whatever the fk.
Moral of my story: if you’re nervous to be honest with someone because of how they’re going to retaliate, the issue is them, not you. And it’s okay to not say anything.
Standing up for yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you have to explain yourself.
Love you.
Stay regulated,
Shauna
